Post Some of Your Favorite Jokes

Discussion in 'The Thunderdome' started by kidbourbon, May 29, 2012.

  1. Volguy1971

    Volguy1971 Sith Lord

    Little Johnny is lying in bed one night and hears a commotion down the hallway. He gets up and walks into his parent's room to see what is going on. There he finds dear ole dad hammering away at his mom.

    Little Johnny screams "What the hell dad?"

    His dad looks at him, winks, and giggles at Johnny. "Go back to bed son."

    About an hour later there's a commotion coming from downstairs. Dad goes down with his gun to see what's going on. There he finds Little Johnny mounted on his Grandma wearing her out.

    Dad screams "What the **** are you doing Johnny?"

    Little Johnny winks at him and laughs while saying "It ain't too damn funny when it's your mom is it?"
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2013
  2. NYY

    NYY Super Moderator

    Little Johnny got in trouble at school for sleeping with his teacher in the 7th grade. The school calls his mother for a meeting and to pick up Little Johnny. She picks him up and said you have no clue how mad I am, you just wait until your daddy gets home.

    The mom alerts the dad and he's silently pleased. He tells his wife he's taking little Johnny for a ride to talk to him. "Little Johnny, you became a man today son. Don't tell your mom but I'm proud of you. In fact I'm so proud I'm taking you to Walmart to buy you that bicycle you've been wanting."

    Little Johnny replies, "thanks for understanding dad. But can I get a football instead. My ass is still killing me."
     
  3. kidbourbon

    kidbourbon Well-Known Member

    Solid
     
  4. lylsmorr

    lylsmorr Super Moderator

    Little Johnny is one bad kid
     
  5. wildnkrazykat

    wildnkrazykat Well-Known Member

    A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his
    mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.
    She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
    had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
    to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
    Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

    About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
    “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she
    took it, do you?"

    He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
    He sat down and wrote :
    Dear Mother:
    I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that
    you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love,
    your son.

    Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
    Dear Son:
    I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But
    the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now,
    under the pillow…
    Love, Mom. ♥
     
  6. possumslayer

    possumslayer Roadkill Guru

    I'll have a coke.
     
  7. utvol0427

    utvol0427 Chieftain

    Laughed.
     
  8. kidbourbon

    kidbourbon Well-Known Member

    Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a slice of pizza?
    Because he ate it before it was cool.
     
  9. rbroyles

    rbroyles Chieftain

    Two golfers are looking for a ball hit into some woods when they come upon a strange frog which says, "kiss me and I will turn into the most desirable woman you can imagine, and I will make you think you are kidbourbon." One of the golfers is an older married man, the other a younger single one who starts to grab the frog. The older guy grabs it first and zips it up in his bag. Aren't you going to kiss it asks the young guy? The old guys says, nah, I'd rather have a talking frog.
    t
     
  10. A-Smith

    A-Smith Chieftain

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

    The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
     
  11. A-Smith

    A-Smith Chieftain

    87 year old Grandpa is summoned to the IRS office for an audit.
    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his tax adviser.
    The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure that I find that believable.’ I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
    Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dolars that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
    But Grandpa’s tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’ says the tax adviser. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
     
  12. TBSVOL

    TBSVOL Member

    Got this one today .....
    I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
    A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
    Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.
    Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"

    So Monday, bright and early, I'm going out and get a job as a truck driver.
     
  13. fl0at_

    fl0at_ Humorless, asinine, joyless pr*ck

    Racist.
     
  14. fl0at_

    fl0at_ Humorless, asinine, joyless pr*ck

    A bear walked into a bar one hot summers day and asked the man behind the bar for a beer.

    The bartender told the bear that they don't serve bears at this bar.

    The bear said that he was tired and thirsty and not in a good mood so if he didn't get a beer he would eat one of his patrons.

    The bartender refused, so the bear ate this beautiful blond in the corner and walked back to the bar and said that if he didn't get a beer he'd eat another patron.

    The bar tender told him, "Sorry, we don't serve drug addicts in this bar."

    The bear says "Drug addict?... What are you talking about?"

    The bartender says, "That was a bar b-itch you ate."
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2013
  15. lylsmorr

    lylsmorr Super Moderator

    Bazinga
     
  16. fl0at_

    fl0at_ Humorless, asinine, joyless pr*ck

    Love it.
     
  17. snoball5278

    snoball5278 Contributor

    what's red and smells like blue paint?









    red paint.
     
  18. snoball5278

    snoball5278 Contributor

    what's green and has wheels?





















    grass, i lied about the wheels.
     
  19. rbroyles

    rbroyles Chieftain

    I was waiting on my wife in my car while she had a Dr. appt. I noticed a Tennessee DOT pick-up with two men pull up across the street. One man got out and dug a two feet wide hole, get back in the truck, and the 2nd guy rhen got out and filled the hole back up. They then proceeded fifty feet up the street and repeated the action. They continued along the street digging and filling holes every fifty feet. I could no longer restrain myself and went over and asked what in the world were they doing? The driver said they were working on a state highway beautification project, and the guy who inserted the trees in the hole called in sick.
     
  20. Luca Brasi

    Luca Brasi New Member

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

    'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

    Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

    'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

    Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

    'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

    'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''
     

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