Post Some of Your Favorite Jokes

An old, lone battle ship is sailing abroad. The lookout spots an enemy ship approaching and alerts the captain. The captain tells the closest person to bring him his red shirt. The captain puts on his red shirt and the battle ensues. After the battle, the deckhand asks the captain why he wanted his red shirt. Captain says "Had I been injured in battle, none of the crew would have noticed and would have continued fighting bravely." The next morning, an entire fleet of enemy ships approaches them and the captain orders the deckhand, saying "bring me my red shirt...and my brown pants"

 

Not so much a joke, but rather a pearl of truth:

What's that useless piece of skin connected to a [ussy pay] called?

A woman.

 

A woman wakes one morning and looks at her husband and says, "i had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I went to a penis auction." The husband says, "explain." She said, "well the big ones were going for $500, the medium for $250 and the small ones were $100." He then asked, "how much for ones like mine?" She replied, "oh dear, they gave those away at the door." Of course hearing this had him steaming.

Two days later the husband awakes and tells his wife he had the strangest dream. Said, "i was a part of a [ussy pay] auction." She then asked for details. He said, "well the tight ones went for $500, the tad bit looser went for $250 and the sloppy ones went for $100." She asked, "well what about a [ussy pay] like mine?"

He said, "are you [uck fay]ing kidding me? That's where they held the damn auction."

 

Good one.

 

Guy walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, give me 12 of the strongest shots you have.". The bartender, unphased, pours out 12 shots of 151. The guy doesn't bat an eye, and immediately pounds all 12 glasses. The bartender, stunned, looks at him and says, "Holy shit! I've been doing this for 10 years and have never seen anything like that. What's the occassion?". The guy looks up and says, Well sir, tonight was my first blow job.". The bartender says, "Well Hell, that's great! Congratulations! In honor of the occassion, I'll fix you another on the house.". The guy says, "No thanks. I think 12's enough to kill the taste...

 

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

Pedophiles are [uck fay]ing immature assholes. However, sometimes I feel really bad for them because I realize they have a real hard time fitting in.

 

Jesus, that took a second.

 

Second statement may be a stretch.

 

Hahahahah.

 

This surprises me. You're usually all over sex jokes like a duck on a June bug.

 

Just a second...he didn't set it up like a joke.

 

Delivery can make or break a joke.

 

I feel like it added to it here. I was like:
- is he just making a comment?
- fitting in?
- Ahhh...he made a joke!

 

I screw them up all the time. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm more long winded than a Baptist preacher.

 

I figured posting it in the "Post Some of Your Favorite Jokes" thread was set up in and of itself.

 

Hahaha. Nice addition.

 

What's the difference between a joke and two [Richards]?






You can't take a joke.

 

A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left."

The guy walks down, sees Betsy -- she's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the worst feeling he's ever had on his [penis] -- like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. "Um. something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then says, "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks." She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The guy puts it back in and now, it's the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, "oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do??" Betsy smiles, and says, "for the extra five bucks, i pick the scabs."

 

Guy walks into a bar and there is a foot tall guy playing a miniature piano on the bar. He asks the barkeep where he got the guy, and the barkeep says he found this old lamp here behind some junk and when he rubbed it he got a wish. So the bar customer asks if he can try it, and the barkeep hands the lamp to him. He rubs it making a silent wish, and suddenly the room is filled from wall to wall with countless ducks. Hey I wished for a million bucks, and the barkeep says yeah he is hard of hearing, you don't think I actually asked for a 12 inch pianist?