Post Some of Your Favorite Jokes

Caesar walks into a bar and says to the bar tender, "I'll have a martinum." The bar tender says, "Don't you mean a martini?" Confused, Caesar replies, "No, if I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

Yay for cheesy Latin humor

 

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster instead.

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out.

 

A couple had three daughters and decided to try one more time to have a son. To their joy they were successful, and the man when seeing the baby boy realized it was the ugliest baby he ever saw. He confronted his wife saying, "We have three beautiful girls, have you been unfaithful? She replied, why no, not this time.

 

Two guys just happened to sit beside each other on a plane both had black eyes.
One looked at the other and said how did you get yours?? I was at the ticket counter when a chick with a large chest asked me what I needed and I said a picket too tittsburg and she punched me...
Other guy said that's exactly what happened to me.... I meant to tell my wife to pass the Wheaties and instead I said you miserable ***** you've ruined my life....

 

A man sets off into the woods on a bear hunt. A few hours skulking around the woods he spots a massive grisly bear – all of 8 foot tall – casually leaning against a tree scratching his arse. The hunter find himself a good spot to snipe from and then carefully takes aim with his pistol. “POW!” the pistol rings out. A hole appears in the middle of the bear’s head and blood pours out. The bear slumps to the floor.

Very pleased with himself, the man struts up to the spot where the bear fell and finds that the bear’s not there. He scratches his head looking around. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and the bear’s standing behind him. The bear says;

“You must be quite new to this mate - trying to shoot a big bear like me with a silly little gun like that? It’s just not going to work. But since it’s your first time I’ll do you a deal – either you let me **** you up the arse, or I’ll rip you to shreds – what’s your answer?”

The man, terrified, weighs up his options carefully and decides that, despite the obvious pain, he could take the punishment and no-one need know. He agrees to the former.

The bear brutally sodomises the man with his enourmous furry length for what seems like hours, and when spent, disappears into the forest. The man, taking time for the pain to fade, gradually gets up and limps back to his camp. Undtererred and humiliated, as soon as he arrives at camp he picks up his rifle and goes out into the woods again, hungry for revenge. A few hours later, he spots the same bear leaning against a tree – all 8 ft of him casually picking his teeth. The man picks his spot and takes aim with his rifle. “POW!” the rifle booms through the forests. A large hole appears in the bears head and blood pisses out. Pleased with his revenge kill, the man confidently strides up to the tree.

The bear’s not there. A sinking feeling engulfs him and he gets a tap on the shoulder. Turning around the bear is standing behind him dabbing it’s forehead.

“Look mate, you don’t learn do you? Trying to kill a big bear like me with a stupid gun like that – it just won’t work. I’ll do you a deal though; either you let me and my bear mates **** you up the arse or I’ll tear you apart.”

Thinking back to the pain of last time, he realised it at the very least was preferable to death. So he agrees to the bear’s punishment. The bear wolf whilstles, and out of the forest lumbers 6 or 7 of his bear friends, all equally large and fearsome. They take turns in ****ing the poor man into sorry oblivion, and then when done, saunter off into the forest again.

The man, shaking with pain and humilition, composes himself and drags himself back to camp. Once there, he staunches the not incosiderable flow of blood and vows revenge. Picking up his elephant gun he waddles back into the forest to find his bear.

Sure enough, after an hour of wandering he spots the very same bear leaning against a tree, filing it's claws. He levels his huge elephant gun takes aim at the bear’s head and pulls the trigger.

“BOOOOOM!!!” The gun cracks through the forest, knocking the man to the floor. A HUGE hole appears in it’s head and the bear spins round fountaining blood in all directions. Once back on his feet, the man puffs up his manly chest and strolls over to the bears body.

Except it’s not there. Bile rises in the mans stomach and he get’s a tap on the shoulder. He turns round to find the bear standing there, pressing leaves to it’s head. Once satisfied that the bleeding has stopped, the bears sighs and says:




“You’re not here for the hunting are you mate?”